Nov 092011

You can’t be on Twitter for five seconds before someone tweets an inspirational saying. Some of these sayings are insightful and uplifting. Others are the most inane banalities that you wonder how anyone ever became famous for saying them or why anyone would remember.

So, today, I give a birthday gift to YOU – my faithful readership: a whole hogshead of original, tweetable, inspirational sayings that walk the fine line between utter uselessness and almost making sense.

Somewhat Inspirational Sayings

People say every coin has two sides, but really, every coin has three sides, and the third side goes all the way around and is sometimes covered with small ridges. Pretty cool side, if you ask me.

Before you get angry with someone, ask yourself, “Will this issue really matter in twenty years, long after zombies have devoured this idiot?”

The next time someone says you can’t do something, just say, “Well, maybe, but I can at least do this!” Then kick them in the jimmy.

The surest way not to fail is to succeed.

Success is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration, but 100% respiration.

You’ll never get your keys back if you drop them into a live volcano.

A lion may be stronger than a gazelle, but a gazelle can kill a mighty lion if it’s full of cyanide or covered with contact poison.

Even a contortionist cannot watch her back all the time.

Dance like no one is watching, unless people are actually watching, in which case, you should probably dance like people are watching, because nobody wants to see that.

Turns out that money is actually your business’ most valuable asset.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead, and it kind of creeps me out.

Always have a reason for everything you do, especially if a yak is involved, because I promise you, people will be all, “What’s up with the yak?”

  4 Responses to “Somewhat Inspirational Sayings”

  1. It’s like Mitch Hedberg all over this page.

  2. Sounds like a combination of my Words Once Spoken series and Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. Loves it!

  3. […] been a while since I last condensed my wisdom into useful proverbs suitable for framing, preferably under a photo of a soaring eagle or a sunrise over a snowy […]

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